apples.txt

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   While trashing at Apple Computer Inc, among other things,

   we found a computer marked BROKEN with the following letter

   attached to it which described certain problems a user had

   found.



------------------------<: Letter reads :>-----------------------

Dear Sirs,



   Enclosed is one defective Apple //e Computer which I returned

because of the following defects:



1.  The apple on the left side of the spacebar was not filled in.

    (looks like the person forgot to paint it.)



2.  The TAB key never seems to produce the desired soft-drink.

    (I specifically ordered the COKE key!)



3.  The ESC key never once helped me escape in any game I have

    played. (in fact, when playing Captain Goodnight, it caused

    my computer to hang, also I didn't know what ESC stood for

    until I found it in my manual.)



4.  I assumed the CONTROL key, when pressed would switch control

    between joystick and keyboard, but no such luck.



5.  The DELETE key refuses to delete the desired file on my disk.

    (The manual neglected to mention this feature.  It seems as

    though a feature like this deserves more attention than is

    given to it by your company.)



6.  Three of the keys on my computer have annoying pimples.

    (I tried using Clearasil to remove them, but to no avail, I

     was forced to use sandpaper.)



7.  The four arrow keys refuse to print the desired arrow.

    I have tried repeatedly using the CONTROL & SHIFT key along

    with the arsow key, but get no results except a strange

    movement of the cursor position.



8.  The RESET key, located in an awkward position doesn't seem to

    have any effect on my computer when pressed.

    (I also noticed that this key has been reduced in size

    compared to the //+ series, no doubt to save cost.)



9.  The Apple logo, which appears most frequently is technically

    incorrect. I think the painter had his paints mixed when

    adding this logo. Personally, I have never seen a multi-

    colored apple.



10. I think I have discovered a new key on the lower-left side

    of the keyboard. This mystery key serves no known function

    whatsoever and is not mentioned in the manual.  I assumed

    this was a miniature monitor, because of the green light it

    emitted, however, I was unable to read anything displayed on

    this screen.

    (with the aid of a friend, I found a use for this key, by

    removing the plastic cover, it becomes a lamp. In your

    next revision, please increase the wattage to this lamp.)



11. Also, I found some problems with my apple monitor. The dials

    are missing and there is no volume control. Please send me

    a working monitor.



12. I also noticed that you shipped me two disk drives labelled

    'DISK //'. I am thereby, returning one of the above

    mentioned disk drives for the proper 'DISK 1'.



13. I feel my keyboard has been damaged before shipment.

    The keys have a noticable dent in the middle.

    (Looks to me like an angry employee.)



14. I also noticed a key is missing!  The 'Z' key cannot

    be found anywhere on the computer at all.



15. Please disregard the above mentioned problem, I have

    managed to find the assumed lost 'Z' key.



16. Your ignorance in designing the back of my computer caused

    much damage to many of my peripheral cards.  The slots

    behind the computer were much too small, and it took much

    strength to force my peripheral cards through them.

    (in fact, when installing my printer card, it took the help

    of my 3 sons and a wooden mallet.)



17. Also, I don't know where your engineers went to school, but

    where I am from, the alphabet does not resemble your key-

    board in any way.



18. I also suspect a problem with your key-manufacturing machine.

    The keys are not identical in size, in fact, there is a huge

    key, as you will notice, which has no label at all, and I

    have no idea of its use.  Also the lettering on the keys

    is not centered. On my computer the lettering appears on

    the upper-left side, not in the center, like it should be.



19. Only because of my extensive educational background

    (graduated from the 8th grade and 1 month typing class)

    was I able to figure out the use of the SHIFT key. I

    suspected it had something to do with the different types of

    letters which appeared when I held down the shift key.



20. In regards to the above problem, I noticed the CAPS LOCK key

    (which tends to stick) will cause the SHIFT key to

    malfunction. It works with all other keys, except the

    letters!



21. Where did you people learn to count? Since when does '0' come

    after '9' ?! You seem to be confused between 0 and 10. Unless

    you forgot the '1' before the '0'.



22. In regards to counting, your company boasts about there new

    computer having 64K, however, I was only able to find a

    single letter 'K' on the keyboard. (If this isn't false

    advertising, then I don't know what is!)

    I later found out through many hours of pondering on this

    question, that the 'K' stood for KEYS. (there are 64 of them

    on this computer!)



23. I found your manuals to be very inappropriate, besides being

    overly technical and hard to understand, the cover art

    clashed with the decore of my computer room.



24. After inserting my extended 80-column card, I was unable to

    extend the text page beyond 80 columns, therefore, the 80

    column card is also inoperable.



25. I am upset about your company's morbid sense of humor and bad

    taste.  I am referring to the hidden message which appears

    when the RESET key is hit along with the solid apple and the

    CONTROL key, 'KERNAL OK'.  I find no humor in this comment

    about Colonel Sanders, everyone knows he has been dead for

    several years now.





As you can see,  I  have  found many problems with your computer,

and  am very upset with your company. I demand a working computer

and  compensation  for my troubles.  I feel your customer support

is   insufficient   and  was  very  rude  to me when I called and

explained in detail the above mentioned problems.  Your technical

support person seemed to have problems with his telephone, I kept

getting  cut-off.  After  calling  back 6 times I decided to send

this letter.   Please  give it your utmost  attention and help to

remedy this situation at once.



                                   Sincerely,

                                              Jethro McThorn

                                              Okinfart, Nebraska



------------------------<: End of letter :>----------------------



   After reading this letter, we decided to investigate these

matters.  We called an Apple representative and they refused to

comment on any questions regarding this letter.  After finally

giving up with Apple Computer Inc, we decided to turn to the

media.  We then gave 60 Minutes a ring, and informed them of our

findings, they seemed very interested, and we mailed them a

photo-copy of the letter.  They are currently investigating this

scandal and we should expect to see it on the air in a few weeks.

We are working as consultants to 60 minutes and will inform you

`bout  any  further findings.  In the meantime, maybe you should

reconsider purchasing another Apple Computer due to the defects

and design flaws mentioned above.

                                                              B/R

==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==- ==-==

The Draco Tavern...........10 megs...................707/745-5805

Capital Connection.........10 megs (Soon!)...........916/448-3402

The Realm of Chaos.........Proving Grounds...........415-797-0121

==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==- ==-==

 
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